How it feels to go from thin to fat

Within last year I have gone from weighing just 109 lbs to weighing a wopping 190 lbs. And I have had no control over my weight gain. I know how to diet; I also know how to go without eating for most of the time, but what I've never experienced is weight gain to this extent.

I live with hypothyroidism, depression, bipolar disorder,anorexia, and borderline personality disorder,(diagnosed in 2000), so I take a lot of different prescription drugs, but none of them had made me gain weight to this degree before..

During this period, I have thrown all of my dieting and starving skills towards losing these extra pounds, but all that has happened was that I got fatter and fatter. I have also watched myself apply the five stages of death and dying to my situation..." denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance" http://www.chacha.com/question/what-are-the-five-stages-of-accepting-death

Denial was short-lived because I was gaining 10lbs a week, so I moved quickly into anger; I became Angy at my body for betraying me.

Anger has lasted almost the entire year; I'm pissed at my body for choosing to follow its plans rather than following mine.

I then went through bargaining and even denial until I was able to accept my uncontrollable weight gain. I fell to acceptance because I believed that through acceptance I might lose some of this weight (I know 2 opposite goals) if I accepted it.

Once I reached acceptance I was able to tune into my body and acknowledge the additional 80 lbs I was carrying around.

First of all I found it difficult to breathe. I felt pressure on my diaphragm, and as I worked out I felt my stomach flopping up and down...ow...I felt the fat intertwined within my muscles; I felt that my muscles were drowning in fat. But I have continued working out because I still maintain the hope that I will be able to lose all of this weight, but being as heavy as I am, working out can really be difficult and painful.

My mantra became "I know why the caged bird sings" (title of Maya Angelo's biography http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maya_Angelou) because I knew that my 'thin' body was trapped in my 'fat body', and was desperate to find a way back.

I met with a registered dietician and she explained that the only way I would lose this excess weight was to eat. Any of us anorexics and bulimics would be (as I was) terrified by the notion that I had to eat. But my dietician explained that when we stop eating our metabolisms slow to a crawl. She also suggested that for each meal I include all 5 food groups. I've been doing this, and just lately I have felt my body preparing to let go of all of this poundage. I hope I hope I hope.

So I eat breakfast (fried egg (protein), bagel (gluten free), yogurt (dairy and fruit), so I will have consumed 1 protein, 1 bread/grain, 1 dairy, and a fruit (in the yogurt). Eating 3 meals a day plus 2 snacks seems so excessive especially when I was anorexic and just ate bananas for every meal.

But 2 of the most important things I did was tune into the fat in my body and into the way Ifelt.

Denial allowed me to wear all of my husband's clothes when I went out (less frequently than before the weight--I just had to hide). I slowly became angry with myself for not controlling my body properly.

Eventually I moved onto bargaining. This phase was short lived because I felt I had nothing to bargain with. So I kept eating 3 meals and 2 snacks a day hoping that doing this would let whom or what was controlling my weight gain to see how hard and well I bargained that I bargained that my body would let my fat go. Nope...nothing.

My depression increased with each day I gained another pound. For a depressed, bipolar disorder, anorexic person, depression is wicked bad when you;re 80 lbs overweight. I stopped going outside except to go to my doctor. My doctor, meanwhile, after many many tests and procedures, had my gall bladder removed, and had my rectocele repaired. Even after all of this, I still continued to gain weight.

All of my doctors assured me that my weight would come off if I continued to eat properly. I don't eat properly...eating properly was, my dietician explained, the most important way to jump-start my metabolism. She explained that I should sit down at a table when I eat; I don't do that; instead, I stand over the kitchen sink where I eat alone. I hate eating in front of others.

This week I finally embraced acceptance though. What this means for me is that I acknowledge that I am overweight now, in this moment. For me acceptance didn't mean I would just remain fat forever; what it meant was that I would tune into my fat body in order to describe how I felt.

Because most of my fat is around my stomach, I feared that people would ask me when I was 'due'. That would have sent me back to depression. Also as I exercised nearly everyday I tuned into my fat, my difficulty breathing, and the fat that surrounding my glutes; each time I worked out I felt excess fat in my glutes, and not just fat but cellulite all over my ass...I would work out without beating myself up, but I could only do these things because I believed that I would lose this fat...the same way the caged bird sang because it believes that some day it will be free.

I want to be free of my excess fat. Yet at the same time I have been fighting this fight, I have also learned to accept other people who were living the fat life (whether they wanted to or not), and I developed tons of respect for especially heavy/fat women because now I was one of them, and I could experience what other overweight people experience. Shared experiences are great learning tools, but I really have to lose this weight!.

I wanted to wear t-shirts that would say things like "my other body is a Mercedes Benz", or "yes I'm fat now but just wait and see what happens next eh".

Also my psychiatrist went through all of the prescription drugs I was taking and he took away 3 of the prescriptions that he believed I no longer needed (when I looked up the 3 drugs I found that they all contributed to weight gain); This happened last Thursday, 2/10/11. And so now I'm waiting for the pounds to pour off of me, but I know that that is not a sure thing.

But I haven't given up; I hear my caged bird singing  to distract everyone (including myself) from realizing the bird's song is just a cover for the sound of the bird madly looking for a way out.